Twilight for Men (and the rest of us who just don't get it)

Some people have little "shoulder angels" that help guide their decisions. I have a shoulder cow.

Anytime I hear of something that is exciting mass hysteria, I'm a skeptic. For example, when I hear that such and such a book or a movie is "Like, SOOOOOOOO GOOD" my shoulder cow "moo"s loudly in my ear. I think it's the call of the dumb herd. It's not that I don't ever participate in culturally popular trends; it's just that I'd like to think I'm sometimes a little more discriminating than your average consumer. While I was working at the library it was readily apparent which books were being read, a lot. And I'll admit that out of curiosity and objectivity, I put my name on a hold list as long as the phone book, and waited to take home a copy of Twilight. It sat untouched in my room for a time, and then went back to the library, barely browsed through. I just have a low tolerance for cheesy. When the last Twilight book came out, I had heard enough about the plot to be fairly well filled in, so I did the unthinkable to Twilight fanatics. I opened Breaking Dawn to the last page and read it. Curiosity satisfied, I moved on.

Now don't get me wrong, I like reading about unhealthy teenage romances as much as the next person... Oh, wait a minute... No I don't. Hmm...Yeah, the more I've learned about the story, the less I understand why some people love it.

I watched the movie. Heh, heh. That was, uh, socially enlightening, and made me feel happy that I'd only given up two hours of my life to the storyline. My "favorite" scene of the movie was in the woods, where sparkle boy is giving Bella the low-down on just how monstrous he really is.
"I've killed people."
And she says what any teenager in love for no apparent reason would say,
"It doesn't matter."
Really? It doesn't matter? I think that would be a definite deal breaker for me. I'm so picky. It's probably why I'm still single. Anyway, I don't get Twilight, but the funniest explanation I've heard about its popularity is an article my friend read me, "Twilight for Men"-- here it is, enjoy. And as an encore, at the end of the post is a "movies in minutes" version of Twilight the movie that is pretty hilarious.

'Twilight' for men: All men are vampires
By Michael De Groote
MormonTimes.com writer
Tuesday, Mar. 10, 2009


It would be easy for a man to mock "Twilight" by Mormon author Stephenie Meyer. But the novel, which chronicles the swooning and ogling of teenager Bella for her vampire boyfriend Edward, should be required reading for all men.

True, a man might find himself screaming at Edward: "Bite her! Just bite her already!"

True, he might fling the book against the wall a few times in frustration -- especially when (spoiler alert!) the final great vampire showdown takes place while the first-person narrator is unconscious, which means there is no action description of what would have been the best part of the book: vampires fighting vampires.

But if a man can read the book -- which, by the way, might make a great movie someday -- he just might come away with an amazing insight into what women want.

And what do women want?

Edward is described as a "beautiful boy" with "perfect lips" and a "voice like velvet." Edward has a "dazzling face" and, let's mention it again, "flawless lips." Again and again he is described as beautiful and gorgeous. He is strong, dark and beautiful. He is immensely talented and beautiful. He is sensitive and beautiful. He is moody and beautiful. Women and girls love him even though his ever-so-beautiful lips are cold and probably stained with cougar blood.

In other words, Edward is the perfect man. And the good part is, every man is Edward.

"But hold on a second," you may say. "I am not even handsome, let alone 'beautiful with perfect lips' -- I'm not sure I want to have perfect lips, I'm not sure I even want to know what perfect lips look like."

But now I am going to give you the secret for understanding "Twilight" and when you understand Bella and Edward you will thereby understand all women.

"Twilight" came from a woman's real-life, middle-of-the-night dream.

In other words, this novel grew out of a woman's subconscious mind. It is telling us things she does not really want us to know.

This, by the way, is a good place to take a moment to encourage you to never tell another person your dreams. If you are the type of person who has no difficulty figuring out the symbolism in your dreams, you probably aren't going around blabbing about your nightmares. If you can't figure out the symbolism in your dreams then beware -- other people will figure out every embarrassing personally revealing detail for you.

And, true to form, this instance of Stephenie Meyer's dream is also personally revealing.

We've looked at Edward. Let's look at Bella. Bella is good-looking enough. She is smart. She is brave. She has pluck. She is clumsy. And, she smells good -- especially to Edward who wants to drink all her blood, except that he loves her and that would end the relationship.

In the topsy-turvy world of symbolism, Edward is every man and Bella is every woman.

Yes, gentlemen. We are vampires.

In a woman's mind, we are Edward. OK, so we are not perfect in our looks, but remember this is subconscious symbolism. Edward's perfection is symbolic of all the love and good things we represent to the women in our lives. It is the good us.

But we are also vampires -- we have the ability to make life miserable for women. We can give into our own desires without regard of how it would destroy their lives.

We have the power to dazzle or destroy.

I am not going to get into anything deeper than this. There are other aspects, perhaps, to this that are best left for MormonTimes.com columnist Laura Brotherson.

What is it about Edward that Bella and all Meyer's fans love? He controls his vampirish impulses and deep desires because he loves Bella. Bella knows he has these desires and admires him more than she would if he did not have these desires.

Sure, he wants to drink her blood, but even more than that, he wants her to be happy and live.

What could be more beautiful?

Mary's Little Donkey and The Flight to Egypt

When I was a about nine or so, my aunt gave my mom a book called, "Mary's Little Donkey and the Flight to Egypt" by Gunhild Sehlin, a Swedish author. It is a wonderful Christmas story to read to young children! I loved it as a kid, and I just pulled it out again to read to the little boy I tutor-- he loved it as well! This is a great book to add to your collection, or give as a gift. It is a bit difficult to find, since it is a "foreign" book, and the English translation is mostly sold in the UK, but I found several places where it could be ordered online. It's a little late for me to be posting this for Christmas, but it's really a story that could be used at any time of year. The story is interesting and sweet, and it was all I could do not to cry three or four times as I was reading it out loud. (I wonder if my pupil noticed the crack in my voice each time.) I highly, highly recommend it as one of my favorite Children's books.

Short Synopsis from Floris books:
"The stubborn, dirty little donkey who is of no use to anyone in Nazareth becomes a quick and willing helper under Mary’s care. The other animals in Mary's stable like him and together they wait for the birth of Mary's child.

But Mary and Joseph have to leave Nazareth obeying Caesar's decree, and the donkey carries Mary to Bethlehem where the child is born.
The donkey hopes to carry Mary and her son quickly back to Nazareth but instead they have to flee to far-away Egypt. Willingly, the donkey makes this journey through the desert. Only after a long time could they return home where the other animals in Mary's stable welcome them.

An engaging alternative to the traditional Christmas story, to be read to children age 6-8, or for children age 8-10 to read to themselves."

84, Charing Cross Road

It is with a great sense of satisfaction that I hold in my hand the paperback I just finished reading. I know it's a small book, and a quick read. Furthermore, I had to read it for a class- but Heaven knows that there have been plenty of books that I've had to read for classes that I only "kinda" read and then supplemented with the film version.

I like to read- I don't know why I don't spend more time doing it. I used to read all the time as a kid and a preteen. Sometimes I think it would have been nice to have taken two years off from college and done nothing but go to the library and raid it. I'd read from all different kinds of genres and sections; I'd check out all different kinds of music too- go through every classical CD on the shelf, listen to every Beatles song ever recorded- wade through the whiney saxophone jazz to get to the really good stuff. I'd bring home old movies, and I'd write every day. And from the books I'd bring home I'd teach myself history, art, and gardening.

I almost feel strangely guilty these days when I think about reading a book that I just want to read. I feel like there's something else I probably should be doing instead. And when I actually do take a rest from school assignments and work, I find myself dosing off after a few pages. I curl up with the book, start to read, put the book down-just for a minute- and two hours later I wake up. Sigh.

About the book I read today: I've always wondered if I was some kind of freak in the English Department because I'm not a real big fiction reader. I love kid's books and young adult novels. I'm a big fan of the Sherlock Holmes mysteries and Jane Austen's writings. But I've never opened the cover of a Harry Potter book, for example (unless it was the back cover to scan the barcode and check it in). I've read a lot of fiction "Classics" in my literature classes, but most of them I read and never think about again. Right now I'm doing "The Grapes of Wrath" -- and I'll admit it, I'm getting bored. Even though Steinbeck went to a great deal of trouble and research in writing this book, his characters aren't that real to me; I don't really sympathize too strongly with his crass Joad family. And the detail- although it's amazing well-written - has lost its thrill for me. Get on with it, already! The book I just finished, however, I'm sure I will read again, and actually think about it in my life. "84, Charing Cross Road" by Helene Hanff. What a great read. The book is a series of letters between an American writer (Helene) and a British bookseller, Frank Doel. I think Helene describes my real problem with popular fiction in one of her letters, "I never can get interested in things that didn't happen to people who never lived."

Fact is stranger than fiction anyway. And less predictable. Generally speaking, I'm a much better writer of stories based on life. Maybe because it interests me more. Adult fiction just isn't as good as children's fiction, or young adult fiction; it's far less imaginative too. Adult fiction usually can fit in one of three categories: sappy/sleazy romance, violent/gory murder, or elf-infested fantasy. No wonder I'm not wild about it. Ah, well. Enough for now. I just had to celebrate "The Finishing of The Book" if nothing else to remember how good it feels to do it.