Gopher Broke

Blur Studio did a brilliant job with this short, "Gopher Broke"- it's one of my favorites.

Twilight for Men (and the rest of us who just don't get it)

Some people have little "shoulder angels" that help guide their decisions. I have a shoulder cow.

Anytime I hear of something that is exciting mass hysteria, I'm a skeptic. For example, when I hear that such and such a book or a movie is "Like, SOOOOOOOO GOOD" my shoulder cow "moo"s loudly in my ear. I think it's the call of the dumb herd. It's not that I don't ever participate in culturally popular trends; it's just that I'd like to think I'm sometimes a little more discriminating than your average consumer. While I was working at the library it was readily apparent which books were being read, a lot. And I'll admit that out of curiosity and objectivity, I put my name on a hold list as long as the phone book, and waited to take home a copy of Twilight. It sat untouched in my room for a time, and then went back to the library, barely browsed through. I just have a low tolerance for cheesy. When the last Twilight book came out, I had heard enough about the plot to be fairly well filled in, so I did the unthinkable to Twilight fanatics. I opened Breaking Dawn to the last page and read it. Curiosity satisfied, I moved on.

Now don't get me wrong, I like reading about unhealthy teenage romances as much as the next person... Oh, wait a minute... No I don't. Hmm...Yeah, the more I've learned about the story, the less I understand why some people love it.

I watched the movie. Heh, heh. That was, uh, socially enlightening, and made me feel happy that I'd only given up two hours of my life to the storyline. My "favorite" scene of the movie was in the woods, where sparkle boy is giving Bella the low-down on just how monstrous he really is.
"I've killed people."
And she says what any teenager in love for no apparent reason would say,
"It doesn't matter."
Really? It doesn't matter? I think that would be a definite deal breaker for me. I'm so picky. It's probably why I'm still single. Anyway, I don't get Twilight, but the funniest explanation I've heard about its popularity is an article my friend read me, "Twilight for Men"-- here it is, enjoy. And as an encore, at the end of the post is a "movies in minutes" version of Twilight the movie that is pretty hilarious.

'Twilight' for men: All men are vampires
By Michael De Groote
MormonTimes.com writer
Tuesday, Mar. 10, 2009


It would be easy for a man to mock "Twilight" by Mormon author Stephenie Meyer. But the novel, which chronicles the swooning and ogling of teenager Bella for her vampire boyfriend Edward, should be required reading for all men.

True, a man might find himself screaming at Edward: "Bite her! Just bite her already!"

True, he might fling the book against the wall a few times in frustration -- especially when (spoiler alert!) the final great vampire showdown takes place while the first-person narrator is unconscious, which means there is no action description of what would have been the best part of the book: vampires fighting vampires.

But if a man can read the book -- which, by the way, might make a great movie someday -- he just might come away with an amazing insight into what women want.

And what do women want?

Edward is described as a "beautiful boy" with "perfect lips" and a "voice like velvet." Edward has a "dazzling face" and, let's mention it again, "flawless lips." Again and again he is described as beautiful and gorgeous. He is strong, dark and beautiful. He is immensely talented and beautiful. He is sensitive and beautiful. He is moody and beautiful. Women and girls love him even though his ever-so-beautiful lips are cold and probably stained with cougar blood.

In other words, Edward is the perfect man. And the good part is, every man is Edward.

"But hold on a second," you may say. "I am not even handsome, let alone 'beautiful with perfect lips' -- I'm not sure I want to have perfect lips, I'm not sure I even want to know what perfect lips look like."

But now I am going to give you the secret for understanding "Twilight" and when you understand Bella and Edward you will thereby understand all women.

"Twilight" came from a woman's real-life, middle-of-the-night dream.

In other words, this novel grew out of a woman's subconscious mind. It is telling us things she does not really want us to know.

This, by the way, is a good place to take a moment to encourage you to never tell another person your dreams. If you are the type of person who has no difficulty figuring out the symbolism in your dreams, you probably aren't going around blabbing about your nightmares. If you can't figure out the symbolism in your dreams then beware -- other people will figure out every embarrassing personally revealing detail for you.

And, true to form, this instance of Stephenie Meyer's dream is also personally revealing.

We've looked at Edward. Let's look at Bella. Bella is good-looking enough. She is smart. She is brave. She has pluck. She is clumsy. And, she smells good -- especially to Edward who wants to drink all her blood, except that he loves her and that would end the relationship.

In the topsy-turvy world of symbolism, Edward is every man and Bella is every woman.

Yes, gentlemen. We are vampires.

In a woman's mind, we are Edward. OK, so we are not perfect in our looks, but remember this is subconscious symbolism. Edward's perfection is symbolic of all the love and good things we represent to the women in our lives. It is the good us.

But we are also vampires -- we have the ability to make life miserable for women. We can give into our own desires without regard of how it would destroy their lives.

We have the power to dazzle or destroy.

I am not going to get into anything deeper than this. There are other aspects, perhaps, to this that are best left for MormonTimes.com columnist Laura Brotherson.

What is it about Edward that Bella and all Meyer's fans love? He controls his vampirish impulses and deep desires because he loves Bella. Bella knows he has these desires and admires him more than she would if he did not have these desires.

Sure, he wants to drink her blood, but even more than that, he wants her to be happy and live.

What could be more beautiful?

Funeral for a Fish/ How to Not Be Eaten By a Leopard

Little Paula was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Paula?" "My goldfish died," replied Paula tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned. "I am so sorry for your loss but that seems to be an awfully big hole for a little tiny goldfish, isn't it?" Paula nicely patted down the last heap of earth on the grave and then replied, "That's because he's inside your horrible cat."


A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in trouble now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that blasted monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

"There goes your first date..."

My favorite M&M commercial. I get a kick out of my name being used in it. ;)

Now that the election is over...

I just can't help myself, this is too funny not to post. With profound apologies to my friends who think Obama is the cat's meow...

Celebrities, Politicians Answer that Classic Question:

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

SARAH PALIN: Before it got to the other side, I shot the chicken, cleaned and dressed it, and had chicken burgers for lunch.

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken doesn’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

(I found this on Dr. Laura's Blog; she received it as an e-mail forward)

"Federal Arithmetic and Reading Test"

Alright, if you aren't interested enough about educational issues to read my ramblings, skip to the second part of this entry for a parody of standardized tests and "No Child Left Behind." Rated PG for mild potty humor. (No, I didn't write it.)

STANDARDIZED TESTS
They are hated by students and teachers alike, and with good reason. Standardized tests take up considerable time in classrooms, and the tests and their scores are largely inconsequential as far as good instruction or assessment of learning are concerned. I wanted to shout hallelujah when Alfie Kohn, an author/former educator/education critic/lecturer, choose to speak specifically about the problems of standardized tests and the mentality associated with them when he spoke at this year's UEA (Utah Education Association) convention. To read Alfie's position, click on "The Case Against Tougher Standards" when you reach the page linked here. It's worth reading.
I might post my own comments about these tests later, but for now I just want the word to get out that in many cases students do not have to take these tests. Parents can deny their permission for their student to participate in testing. (Teachers can facilitate this by not giving "points" for taking the test.) Politicians and federal government officials tend to listen to parents more than educators about educational practices. Frankly, neither Republicans or Democrats seem to have it right on the issue of improving education. If enough parents send out the message that they don't appreciate these tests, then policies and practices will have to be changed.
I hope that the following parody on standardized tests won't be considered too crass. I didn't write it, but I laughed so hard I cried when I first read it.

Federal Arithmetic and Reading Test

In response to President Bush's Federal "No Child Left Behind Act" (NCLB), it is proposed that students will have to pass a test to be promoted to the next grade level.
In the hope that this proposal will be uniformly adopted by all of the states, the new test will be called the Federal Arithmetic and Reading Test (FART).
All students who cannot pass a FART in the second grade will be retested in Grades 3, 4 and 5 until they are capable of passing a FART score of 80%. If a student does not successfully FART by grade 5, that student shall be placed in a separate English program known as the Special Mastery Elective for Learning Language, or SMELL.
If, with this increased SMELL program, the student cannot pass the required FART test, he or she can still graduate to middle school by taking another one-semester course in Comprehensive Reading and Arithmetic Preparation, or CRAP.
If by age fourteen the student cannot FART, SMELL, or CRAP, he or she can earn promotion in an intensive one-week seminar known as the Preparatory Reading for Unprepared Nationally Exempted Students, or PRUNES.
It is the opinion of the Department of Instruction for Public Schools (DIPS) that an intensive week of PRUNES will enable any student to FART, SMELL, or CRAP.
This revised provision of the student component of the House Bill 101 should help "clear the air" as part of "No School Left Standing."

Then what ARE you?

The little boy I tutor has a five-year-old sister, Zoey, the Drama Princess. The other day she asked me,
"Sheryl, are you a mom?"
"Nope, I'm not a mom yet."
"Are you a teenager?" she said.
"No, thank goodness, I'm not a teenager anymore." I replied.
She looked a little confused and then said, "Then what are you?!"

I mean, what else is there?

My pupil discovered last week that I was 24, and upon hearing the news he dropped his jaw. (Apparently 24 is pretty old.) He asked why I didn't go to the same church as he does. "I go to a single adult ward." I told him. (What's a single adult ward?) As I explained this I found myself clearing up a misconception. "But I thought you were married to Brother Wilde." (My Dad!)
Oh, man. There's nothing like kids to keep you humble.

Sophisticated Song

For anyone who has ever turned into a bumbling idiot around that special someone.
Hugh Laurie in all his comic glory:
"The Sophisticated Song"

Brad Paisley & Kermit the Frog

Ah, two of my favorite personalities: Brad Paisley and Kermit in a musical duel! Enjoy!


Thanks for the tips on how to post videos!