S.O.A.P.

We could call this post the “significant other appreciation post” because all of you out there in Married Land will be rejoicing in your residency there. Just for kicks, I decided to write a little bit about the ever entertaining singles’ scene. It is nothing if not hilarious.

So I actually like being set up on blind dates. I have friends who HATE them and refuse to be set up. If I had their horror stories I’m sure I’d feel the same way, but thus far I’ve never had an awful blind date. When you’ve graduated from college and don’t meet new people quite so often, a blind date (and/or an introduction through mutual friends) can be a good opportunity to do so --if you trust the person setting you up and know enough about who you’re being lined up with. Furthermore, with a blind date you get to bypass that obnoxious “pre-first date stage” characterized by juvenile flirting and guessing/waiting games. I could easily live without that phase.

Okay, so I say all that to say this: recently, with reluctance, I decided to experiment with the online dating phenomenon. I mean, it kind of works like a blind date, except that you get to do all the screening yourself. In theory it’s an immensely practical way to find people who are interested in dating. Simplicity, right? In spite of my long-held perception that you don’t go online unless you’re desperate, and you’re not desperate unless there’s something wrong with you that you can’t find what you’re looking for in a more conventional way, I ventured to TRY it… Not because I was desperate, or there was something wrong with me (LOL) but because I realized that I held a rather broad and unforgiving stereotype. What the heck? Not much to lose.

I subscribed for two months, and although I don’t plan to continue using dating sites, my short experience was not altogether bad, and I have had plenty of belly laughs at some of the absurdities I’ve encountered. I love introductions on dating websites, because some men are so creative in the way they try to put their best foot forward. I’m sure the women are just as terrible -if not worse, but since I don’t look at their profiles, I really couldn’t say. Here are a few gems I’ve found in my cyber-browsing. (I am not making these up, although out of the goodness of my heart I did change incorrect spellings, and lack of capitalization and punctuation.)

“I’ve been described as a walking aphrodisiac.”

“I’m not just eye-candy. Send me a message to get to know the deeper side of me.”

“Just to let you know, I’m a hustler.”

“I am me. I can't really thing of a better way to describe myself than that.”

“As a medical student, I’m approaching the $200K debt mark.”

“Ok, the Basics: I want to get married and start a family. Any questions? Are you ready to apply? All applicants will receive a kind and proper response. Will you be the one selected?”

"I'm not proud of my egotism, I'm just proud of myself."

“Hello! I'm a 24 year old grade "A" hottie going to school at BYU-I in Rexburg. I'm totally shallow and superficial, and am only interested in cute girls with sexy feet and straight white teeth. Girls with buckteeth and yellow toenails need not apply. Also, if you have a figure that makes you look more like a manatee than a person, please, please, PLEASE try and prey on another young, hot, naive man. I'm tired of being taken advantage of because of my looks. Facial hair on women is another huge no-no.
Anyways, I'm looking for Miss Perfect, so if you think you have what it takes to entertain me, then by all means, send me a message. If not, I wish you luck with one of the many available 50 year old perverts on this website that are also looking for love.”

And my personal favorite, only because I actually met this one: “I am #1 at being awesome. I am everything you've dreamed about in a man, times 10.”

Gee, with selection like this, finding the love of my life should be like shooting fish in a barrel.

Back to the drawing board.